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my guy. my guys plural. my women. my people who are not identifiying as people or whatever. i feel like every day is hectic. i had therapy yesterday because i am an emotionally mature person who is able to regulate his emotions and does not repeatedly threated to go "chimp mode" where i rip peoples faces off due to my anger. anyway in therapy my therapist told me she "couldn't even imagine what a normal week for me is." without going into detail because i don't want to spill *all* of my guts on the internet. (you have to keep some things secret, that way you can open a patreon with more information) but lets just say that i would make for a very unrealistic soap opera. people would outraged! but it got me thinking; what would a normal week look like for me anyway? i'm not the kind of person who loves to complain about hardship, because i know it makes people uncomfortable, but sometimes i do have to go on a long-winded and very personal explaination as to why i'm incredibly scared of certain parts of my town or why i dissociate when doing basic math. so, in those events i mentally prepare stand-up comedy bits so people don't get worried. I do feel like yozo from no longer human which is a sentence that i doubt surprises literally anyone. 
I do think this website is me being much more candid than online, consider this a "weekly slap" sort of thing. I dunno. i really like maintaining the facade of oisin and i wouldnt do it if it didnt make me happy. but it's more like i'm playing a fantastical character rather than being myself. even though i talk like me (to an extent), engage in my interests, and talk to my actual friends who do see the real side of me, i still feel like i can't relate to my online persona in any meaningful way. it doesn't feel dishonest because when you're almost a celebrity (does that make me sound arrogant?) within a subsection of fandom you kind of don't expect for people to think that the image you project to them is completely honest. i think it's something that's moreso carried over from my tiktok because it's a place where i have legitimate fans, but even on twitter people who i've never met before have told me about how they look up to me. and while i'm proud there's also a lot of suspended disbelief at the fact that someone could look up to me in any way, because this is, in many ways, the first time in my life where people have ever liked me. even if it's a persona, it's a persona that's slowly userped the real me that was on twitter (especially a lot earlier in the bsd fandom before i got big, i had around 700 followers from the south park fandom and then bsdtwt accepted me so quickly, i'm very thankful for that.) mainly out of necessity. i used to get into arguments a lot more, and now i rarely do both because i think it's stupid to argue on the internet with people who will never agree with you but also because people told me that they liked how unproblematic i was, and i didn't want to dissappoint them. a lot of my life is based on me being dissappointed and worrying about dissappointing others.
so, to go back to my earlier thesis statement of comparing myself to yozo oba and my ideas of normalcy and what on earth these logs even are. they're me unzipping the oisin persona and washing it out for all of you to see because it is in many ways, cathardic. there aren't really ways you can cope with what i've been through, so taking one of the things that's been eating at me off and letting it go into the void is really the only thing i *can* do, and that's the role this series serves. i won't just be like "oh, my life is so hard because i have five thousand followers on twitter! please, stroke my head and call me a good boy because i'm just so brave! it's so hard being a CELEBRITY! what ever can i do! waah, waah, waah!" it's more just me talking about whatver comes to mind and then barely proofreading it before publishing because that's a lot of work. anyway, yeah. thanks for reading.
- oisin
me, typing this out
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